I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
