Im at strip club and am horny
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Randomize
