i wish my penis had a tongue
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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