i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
