Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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