so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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