just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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