i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
