You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
