By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
please come you make the beer taste better
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
