i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm passing your future prison.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
