I just made out with a guy for $7.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
