Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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