He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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