hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
