it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
