he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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