can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
