True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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