Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
