you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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