yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
