I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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