i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
