You smell like a Billy Joel song
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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