blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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