captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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