new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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