my vag is so smooth its legendary
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am available for nakedness
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
