Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
