I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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