hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
