it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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