I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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