youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
