I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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