I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
