So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
