so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
