if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Success! We fucked roommates!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
