You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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