I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
