Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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