Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
