and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
