i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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