I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
