happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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