what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
