I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
