got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
