We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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