worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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